little baby in big hat

what can i really say about this? we were at the park, and i decided to put on my dad's dallas cowboys hat. i have to say, i really like the cowboys chances this year. julius jones looks like the real deal, and that new kid demarcus ware is really coming along. but does drew bledsoe in the no. 11 jersey look weird to anyone else? i mean, doesn't danny white deserve some respect here? hello?

food criticism, part 2

ok, so, technically, this doesn't involve "food." but when your central incisors are violently thrusting themselves through your tender, fleshy gums, you'll pretty much do anything to salve the pain. i believe i have a unique way of coping: i eat my toys!

ah yes, the stacking cups. these are just begging to be eaten. the cup fits perfectly over my hand; my hand fits perfectly in my mouth; ergo, by the transitive property, the cup fits perfectly in my mouth. mm, plastic goodness.


to the left is my aquarium, which holds three plastic balls. they're easy to hold, but not that easy to bite, or even gnaw on. strangely, the ball fits in the stacking cup, and the cup fits in my mouth, but the ball does NOT fit in my mouth. wait, did i just disprove the transitive property?


finally, there's my wooden duck thing with the wheels. you can't tell me that handle wasn't made for biting. the smooth, splinterless surface. the soft wood. slather some applesauce or strained sweet potatoes on that thing, and you've got the perfect toy.

the morning paper

i appreciate when mom and dad read to me, but, let's face it, a baby can take only so much of "the runaway bunny" and "mr. brown can moo! can you?" yes, for the last time, mr. brown, I CAN MOO. that's why i enjoy reading "the wall street journal" much more than the umpteenth rendition of, say, the derivative and completely predictable "hello, lulu." now, perhaps if they had a book called, "rising crude price boosts currencies of producers! can you?" then maybe that would interest me more.

what i learned today

today, i learned that my dad is really lazy. i was hungry, so he just tossed a bottle of milk on the floor and made me grovel for it! then he stuffed a burp rag under the bottle to keep it propped up, in case my tiny, underdeveloped hands lost their tenuous grip on its slippery surface. and then he said, "see ya later, kid," and he left! no, just kidding. actually, i don't know what he was doing, because he pointed me toward the wall.

in any case, i learned that, if i had to feed myself, this is how to do it, assuming there were milk-filled bottles just lying about on the ground and i wouldn't have to get the formula out of the cabinet, open the can, pour it in the bottle and screw the nipple on, all by myself.





i'm not sure what's going on here. i was be-boppin' and scattin', trying to mix it up. technically, it still works this way, because i can get some of the milk out, but it's not ideal. and once you're in this position, the natural progression is to ...






... this one, which just doesn't work at all. i'm not sure what i was thinking here. actually, you know what? i wasn't thinking. i get it now: "nipple" does not equal "straw"! who knew the learning curve on these bottles was so steep? man, talk about frustrating. i won't do that again. oh, who am i kidding? i probably will.

quittin' time!

for context, you might want to see the below post, "fun at the office." i wouldn't want you to get lost in the complexities of my 7-month existence.

rejoice! my day's work is finally done! have a good one, pointless spinny thing with the plastic beads in it. see ya, immobile blue castle that i pretty much ignore. it's par-tay time! whoo hoo!














next i rock out with a little air guitar to loverboy's "working for the weekend," which is my official quittin' time music. my part comes in right after the second chorus, when he goes, "you wanna be in the show, come on, baby, let's go!"














then i top it off with a little "riverdance." i don't know why. it's just my thing. it's what i like to do. plus, the musical king and queen seem to like it. then again, i'm their boss, they're always sucking up to me.

fun at the office

oh, hi there! you surprised me. this is what i call "my office." as you can see, my work is never finished. just when i think, finally, i'm done chewing the green frog and can knock off for the day, i notice the musical king and queen over there, begging to be twisted or pushed or whatever it is i'm supposed to do with them. c'mon, we've all been there, right? who's with me? and don't get me started on the triangular bendy mirror. do i admire myself, or do i put it in my mouth? i tell ya, i face that decision every day, and it never gets easier.

me and dad

i guess it was about time to put a photo of me and my dad up. that's the shirt he wore for about four straight days. he didn't think i would notice. then again, my wardrobe is about five times the size as my dad's. maybe grandma should be buying my dad some new clothes, instead of me. yes, maybe she should.

me and my mystery aunt

blind item: which aunt-about-town would rather cover her face with a bag of salt and vinegar chips than be in a photo with her adorable niece?

is this thing on?

this is what happens when i sign on my blog and see that no one has left any comments. (actually, that hat was like two sizes too small for my gigantic head, but still.) since starting this blog, i've been getting only 13 hours of sleep a day instead of my usual 14. don't make me think i've just been throwing that extra hour away.

me and grandpa larry

this is my imitation of those plastic toys you squeeze to make the eyes bug out. way back when i was 2 months old, i decided i would eat so much that grandpa larry could no longer cover my belly with his hands. i'm happy to report that plan is working.

me and grandma

this is actually a rare and seldom seen sight: my grandma is not buying me anything. in fact, i'm not sure why i'm smiling, because at this very moment, grandma is not in a store looking to spend money on me. even worse, grandma looks happy, and yet, strangely, she's not at a cash register in baby gap. how is this possible? i need to lie down.

talk to the hand!

"mailee, we don't have any of the pears baby food left. we only have carrots, sweet potatoes and apples."

"i ain't hearin' that! you best get me some pears, or i WILL call child protective services on your no-pears-havin' ass! "

mother teresa of park slope

shut up! SHUT UP!

ok, so not only was i forced to sleep ON THE FLOOR, but my mom, dad and their friend would NOT shut up! if i knew where my ears were, i would've covered them, but this was the best i could do. oh, and hey, thanks for putting a blanket down and then NOT LAYING ME ON IT. i'm halfway off the thing! "oh, look, the exhausted baby is lying face down on a dirty floor with her hands on her head in obvious frustration. let's take a photo!" whatever.

me and grandpa nim

this is my grandpa nim. help! i think he's trying to eat me! or am i trying to eat him? here's a hint: only one of us survived this encounter. and i'm the one writing this blog, right? what does that tell you? it's simple: don't mess with me. i'll eat you alive, man. and then i'll write about it in my blog!

my dogs

these are my dogs, schnapps and chopper. they tend to avoid me because i really haven't learned the concept of petting. i pretty much grab their fur and try to pull it out, similar to what i do when i'm near mom or dad's hair. if i could grab an entire dog and put it in my mouth, i would. and what could you do about it? nothing, because i'd have to be one strong-ass baby to put an entire dog in my mouth, beeatch.


schnapps, on neighborhood watch


chopper, cuddling with his precious kong

me and aunt nancy

this is my aunt nancy. one time, aunt nancy came over to babysit me, and my mom and dad told her that i had already went poo, so i probably wouldn't have to go again that day. well, i did! and aunt nancy didn't know how to change me! but she learned pretty quickly. good times, good times.

food criticism

early on, my palate was unsophisticated. i barely distinguished between mother's milk and formula, nor did i much care. if it came in a bottle, then i was beholden to its lactic allure, despite the fact that the rainbow of my culinary knowledge ranged from alabaster to ecru.

then i was introduced to the edible grayness of rice cereal, finally awakening my infantile taste buds from their dormant state! alas, i was unimpressed, and i made sure my mom and dad were aware of this via visual representations of my distaste, as i have yet to develop any sort of understandable vocal communication. a sampling of my more notable reviews:


rice cereal: ugh. offensive.

i said i didn't like rice cereal!


carrots: surprisingly palatable, orange.

me and mom

funny story about this one: a few minutes earlier, i was trying to bite my mom's nose. but i just ended up gumming it. still, if i could figure out the proper way to hoist her, mom's nose would make a good pacifier.

bath time!

my dad needed an easy way to share photos with people, without spending the time to create an entire web site. but rather than spend hundreds of dollars on web-site-building software -- money that more logically could be put toward a plasma tv, a dvd burner or, i dare say, a college fund -- he came up with a site that lets you do it for free. and then he put naked pictures of me on the web! this is me, about to go all sean penn on his paparazzi ass. oh yeah, my name is mailee (rhymes with "smiley," and NOT "daily").